Sweet times...(and lots of pictures)

The kids are out of school and this is truly a sweet time of life right now. I'm absolutely loving being with them for what sometimes feels like 24/7. I don't have any amazing stories or vacations to share (although we are taking a great one later this summer!). These sweet times are made up of simple moments. Moments on the porch swing reading together, or playing board games, or working puzzles, or just spending time talking (and LOTS of listening), or learning to ride bikes without training wheels! We've also had many short visits from family and loved ones. Each night I fall into bed exhausted (and most afternoons too!), but my heart is full. So full. That God should chose me to be their mother and his wife. Each day is a gift. Each smile; each hug; each tear; and yes, even each diaper!

I had labs done yesterday. I'm still waiting for my cancer tumor marker (it routinely takes an extra day), but other labs were normal with a couple exceptions. My hemoglobin (that determines my anemia) has gone down a little again--I'm at about an 11, where as my doctors would like to see me above a 12. Not bad though! Compared to struggling to keep it above transfusion level (7) every week last summer, I'll take 11 any day! My second exception to normal labs were ones indicating my kidney function (creatine and GFR). They are a touch high and low, respectively. This indicates there may be some very mild permanent kidney damage from the chemo. I figure I can sit and brood over these abnormal labs and say "Woe is me," or I can be thankful for these continuing pieces to God's sovereign plan for me. He knows way more about all this medical "stuff" than I do and has given me the perfect body to serve Him each moment of each day. It's up to me to chose to "whine or worship" (from Choosing Gratitude from Nancy Leigh DeMoss).

Many have asked me if my neuropathy has improved at all, and I don't think it has. But what has changed is my ability to function with it. Physical and occupational therapy helped me strengthen what I could, but focused mostly on reteaching my brain to balance and use my hands. It was very eye-opening to the amazing creation God has made inside each one of us! Wow! Another "reteaching the brain" thing has been with my hearing aids. About two months ago, insurance approved very nice hearing aids. At first, all it did was add confusion to my already easily overwhelmed brain (due to chemo brain). My hearing aid specialist assured me this was short term, and that I needed to continue to wear them to allow my brain to re-learn how to pick out voices from the plethora of noises I was hearing (For example, someone getting water from the fridge dispenser easily drowned out any voices--it was as loud as a rushing waterfall at first!). I'm still learning for sure, but it gets easier each week! I don't think they'll ever be as good as the original ears God made for me so many years ago, but it's definitely reduced the frustration and confusion of my children when they're trying to talk to me.

One of the sweetest and most enjoyable things since getting stronger from chemo has been being able to attend church more regularly. There's a corporate worship that is so much stronger in person than live-streamed through the television. There's a joy with rubbing shoulders with my brothers and sisters in Christ again. There's an honor and and an amazing responsibility in being able to "bear one another's burdens" both in person at prayer meeting and Sundays before church, but also being able to ask people about their requests in person to keep my prayer list updated at home. And my ears may be far from perfect, but the beauty of music is more aptly communicated in person than with any electronic interference. What a joy to be in church again!

Here are some pictures of some sweet memories I have from the last month or two:

in-house sleepover

all three sisters working together to get Will's shoes on

Grandma and Grandpa Cole visit!

Madison giving the local NBA mascot a high-five at the library

Fun playdate with more cousins!

Sleeping on Grandpa Cole at church

Mommy and Hannah at church (Corduroy found us at church!)

helping prepare food at church

Even the dolls watch church at our house! Ha!

Will - I love this boy!

Cousin junior monopoly on a rainy day

bubbles with more cousins at Grandpa and Grandma Ogden's house

tackle hug after seeing each other for the first time all day

Lydia and Mommy 

Hannah and Mommy

Will at our ice-cream date

Hannah reading to Lydia while she was sick

special Mommy and Daddy weekend

Picnics in the back yard!

"Just a few" of our cousins that have visited

Sweet Madison

Her face lights up every day when he gets home

all four on one tire swing...this happens almost daily

Health Updates

***Written March 30***

But GOD! God is so good to me—some of my sickness and side-effects He has healed me from; others He has left with me as a reminder of how great He is an the closeness with Him I learned only through cancer.

Some of the healing things:

I’m cancer free still! And I don’t say that lightly. For about over the past two months, I was received two abnormally high tumor markers. While I continued to get additional labs done to track my tumor, the words “double-lung-surgery,” and “chemo” were tossed around. I should have been a wreck indside, but the Lord gave His peace—so much so I almost forgot to go to a lab draw! I think some to this peace came because I’ve learned and truly believe that God is only good, no matter my health.

As for some of my memorials and reminders of God’s goodness:

My feet and below the knee continue to be numb. Physical therapy has helped strengthen my legs and retaught my brain how to think about balancing again. Each day I lose my balance a handful of times, but each time is a sweet reminder to think about being stayed on Him.

Occupational therapy has strengthened my hands some and also given me strategies with how to do simple tasks that were impossible before (opening water bottles, clipping nails). There are still things everyday that I can’t do or need to compensate for (turning pages, turning on lamps, etc), but these remind me to keep my dependence on God and not my own strength and abilities.

At the beginning on March I had another hearing test done because it seemed like there was increased frustration on my kids’ part in getting me to hear what they were saying. I also noticed that the ringing in my ears seemed louder. The hearing test reflected my hearing loss has increased since my last test in November. As a result, I’ll be getting hearing aids somewhat in the near future (I was told it could take up to three months to get everything processed). Even though I grieve being a burden to my children’s desire to communicate, my lack of hearing reminds me to hear God’s voice each day through His Word, prayer, and the Holy Spirit.

I’ve also been seeing a new chiropractor twice a week for the past month for some chronic inflammation. I am starting to feel much better and am reminded that God is the One who aligns my steps and just as the chiropractor knows things about my back just by seeing me walk, so the Lord knows my hidden heart.

***Updated April 8: Last Friday we got news that my latest tumor marker was at 25 —over 800% above normal. I will go to biweekly labs, have a CT scan, and confer with my specialist in Chicago as to the next steps. I sort of feel as if this it the devil tempting me to doubt God...again. I want to look him in the eye and say, “Oh no you don’t! You’ve tried this trick (high labs) two times before and you’re not getting me. My God is good no matter what the world calls my labs. And I am determined that nothing will shake me from this truth. Not even you, Satan!!” In the meanwhile...we keep living our lives day by day and coveting your prayers.

Some People Walk in the Rain, Others Just Get Wet

”Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.”  Roger Miller

We’ve had a week full of rain here in the Midwest, so it’s given me lots of time to think about rain. Two things have stood out in my mind the past week about God being revealed through His creation:

The first took place on Wednesday. Oh, the excitement Lydia had getting ready to go. She couldn’t stop talking about it; she couldn’t stop preparing for our trip. My three year old was beyond excited; we were going to the library! But, even though books are one of her dearest loves, all energy, focus, preparation, and joy was because of one thing: “I’m going to get wet! I’m going to get wet!”  She carefully selected her rain coat above the other jackets and coats she owns, and even sacrificed fashion to wear not-pink John Deere rain boots (the only rain boots we have in her current size). She was ready for the 20 second walk—she planned to enjoy every raindrop and relish in each puddle! I, on the other hand, wanted to walk as quickly as I could so I wouln’t get wet! As a mom with multiple littles, I’d stop carrying an umbrella long ago—I simply don’t have enough hands!

The rain is like the changes and trials in our life. If we’re prepared for them, like my daughter was for the rain, then we don’t have to dread the changes they bring. Lydia’s preparation enabled her to slow down and enjoy each raindrop; I was only focused was shelter and not getting wet. So I ask you, my friend, what are you doing not to prepare for the changes and trials ahead? With proper preparation we can see God’s goodness in them. Or maybe you’re like me: rushing through the trial, laser-focused on the end, on relief from heartache and pain. If you’re in a trial, is your only satisfaction then end. If so, go back inside and get your rain boots on! Prepare yourself for the rain by putting on your raincoat, by daily being in God’s Word and studying it. Soon you’ll start to see more than the door to the library, more than shelter and the end of your trial or change. You’ll be like my little Lydia. She knew about rain because she’d been outside before, she couldn’t stop telling her 19-month old brother all about it before we left the house. She made sure he was properly dressed so as to properly enjoy the rain when it was time. If you’ve already been through a trial, have seen rain before, who are you telling about what you learned? Once again, God has taken simple things such as rain and a sweet three-year-old to teach me about Himself.

The second thought that stood out to me came while I was driving. Between doctor appointments (most are 25 minutes, one-way) and having the girls in school (20 minutes, one-way), I spend a lot of time behind the wheel. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always had a fascination with watching raindrop streak across the window while riding in a vehicle. This week I was passing time spent in heavy traffic doing the same. And then it dawned on me! As a child, I remember how fearful I’d get because my dad would allow SO MUCH rain on the windshield before he would use his wipers. Only when the traffic ahead of him was virtually invisible would he start them up. I realized this week that I sometimes drive the same way, but now with no hint of worry.. What’s the difference? My focus! As a child I would focus on the raindrops—what was right in front of me and surrounding me; as an adult, I look past the raindrops and see through them. Wow...how often do do this in life? I get my focus on what’s around me, my current circumstances, and in creep the fear and panic. I can’t see past them to see anything or Anyone beyond them. But when I look past my circumstances, just as when I look through the raindrops on the windshield, I can see everything around me. There is no fear. I need to learn to look past my circumstaces and surroundings to see Christ and others—even while it’s raining!

A Haircut

A simple haircut was all she asked for, but oh, how the Lord used it in my life to convict me of sin. You see, my second daughter, Madison, had gotten into the habit the last couple of weeks of chewing on her hair. No matter how much nagging and parenting I did, she lacked the maturity to keep herself from this bad habit. It got so bad this last week, that she was asked me for a haircut on Friday. Saturday afternoon after naps was the earliest we could fit in a much needed trim! Her hair is now too short to even reach her mouth--no matter how hard she tries, she can not chew her hair. I have many "bad habits" in my life, or as the Bible calls them, sins. While Madison was able to get hers cut off, making it impossible to continue, so the Lord has allowed cancer to bless me with radical amputation of some sins in my life.

Two areas I struggle most in are change and control. Our family has been going through almost perpetual change the last year or two. Seemingly every day, there's something else I can't do (a change) or something else I should be doing (another change). Each time this happens, I have this mental image of my Abba Father offering His hand down to me, asking, "Do you trust me?" I can either take the offered hand in trust, or turn my back in hurt and bitterness. But to turn my back on the One who created me in an effort to retain control in an area or two of my life is as childish and futile as Smeagol's desire to possess the ring that had come to enslave him, and yet my heart's foolish desire continues to resist change.

"But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise...

That, according as it is written, He that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord."

1 Corinthians 1:27-31

I also struggle with only being content when I'm in control. When God asks me to change, by removing an ability or adding a new responsibility, I feel as though I'm losing control. But God has blessed me with cancer. Physically, I can no longer do and move the way I need to in order to accomplish the things over which I seek control. Mentally I often struggle to find the words and the multi-tasking of thoughts has become nearly impossible. As a result, I have to give control to Someone else, and the result is beautiful (but I'll save more of that in another post!).

So just as Madison's haircut made it impossible for her to "sin," so also my cancer immediately forced me to stop resisting change and fighting for control. I'm learning to desire and trust Christ more than "my precious" capabilities (Isaiah 64:6 calls them filthy rags). As God is teaching me and showing me the frailty of my human body, I'm able to see His holiness, His love, and His sovereignty in a way I never have! 1 Peter 1:7 states "That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than gold...might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ." Because cancer has shown me more of Christ, I praise it; I honor it; and I glory in it. All this from a simple haircut.

Learning to Live Life

I spent the last summer so sick. My life ---the daily rhythm of who I was --- was put on hold while I endured the hardest physical, spiritual, and mental battle I'd ever been in. I was too sick to go out anywhere socially for months. If I did make it to church, I was in a fog while I was there due to medication and exhausted when I arrived home. I lived as a spectator in my body while it became weaker and weaker. I was unable to cook or clean --to take care of my loved ones the way my heart so dearly desired. Possibly the hardest blow of all was the inability to be around the slightest loud noise while the chemo attacked nerves in my ears; this meant being around my children was painful and at times impossible.

But now I'm cancer-free, and recovering slowly! I'll always be scarred by cancer. I'll never be the same person I was physically, spiritually, or mentally. But with the scars also comes blessings.

I'm at home now. Finally unpacking "office" boxes from our move last May. I'm working at organizing how I'll work and manage my family and household for the next several years. You see, when we moved last May, all of my desk items--the things closest to my heart, the things keeping me afloat spiritually and emotionally--were just swept into a box, taped up, and moved to the new house, where they landed in the spare room until I could unpack them.

Now, slowly, I'm unpacking those boxes. They hold all the mail, paperwork, love notes from children, books read, and so much more from the last two years of my life. I am surprised how emotional it is to relive those years as I process and sort paperwork and pictures. One of the dearest treasures I unpacked was my "God box". How many tears have been shed over this box. How many anchors of my faith are in this box. It's a simply made box; crudely put together. Inside are 3x5 cards with verses. At the top of each card I have written "My God is ________. Back in college one year, my devotions were spent developing this box.  Little did I know then for what trials this box would help me through. It reminds me of Who my God is.

My God is HOPE:

"For in thee, O Lord, do I hope: thou wilt hear, O Lord my God." Psalm 38:15

My God is GENTLE (even in a time when I was violently ill):

"Thou hast also given me thy shield of salvation: and thy right hand hath holden me up, and thy gentleness hath made me great." Psalm 18:35

My God is PEACE (when I focus on knowing Him):

"Aquaint now thyself with him, and be at peace; thereby good shall come unto thee." Job 22:21

"..the Lord will bless his people with peace." Psalm 29:11

My God is STRENGTH:

"I will love thee, O Lord my strength." Psalm 18:1

As I continue to recover from cancer and learn what diminished physical capabilities the chemo has left me with, I continue to see more of Who my God is through His Word. He's in there, ready for me to discover; all I need to do is intentionally look and claim His promises. My "God box" is now overflowing; characteristics of God have been organized, ready to be grabbed at a moment's notice. When I'm tempted to doubt or fear, I grab  the characteristic that combats that thought and read through them. What a comfort His Word is as it reminds me of Who my God is.